how to be happy in an unhappy world.

 

sometimes,

i feel like i censor the things i say in my blog.

why?

well, because this blog is connected to my business.

it's not just a random place for me -

i started it with ellarye boutique in mind,

and sometimes i want to maintain some sort

of professional boundary (ha)

between myself and my customers.

 

however,

i am still a real person.

i have had quite a hard year.

i have had quite a few hard years.

so forgive me if i do not censor myself, just this once.

 

when i say the past few years have been hard,

i do not exaggerate.

 

last week when i talked to my wise dad

he says to me,

"you have lived more life in your 27 years

and seen more hardships

than some people see in a lifetime."

 

i know i am not the only one.

so many of you reading this today have a story.

you have seen hard things.

you have lost people.

you have looked in the mirror at times,

and not recognized the reflection.

you have cried, felt pain deep in your soul.

how do i know this?

because i have, too.

 

i am only 27.

what can i teach other people about life?

 

lots.

1 Timothy 4:12 - says -

(this is from the Bible) -

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young,

but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

 

i want to do that today.

i want to tell you how i stay happy.

 

i feel consistently happy.

 

oh my gosh, i still have horrible days.

trust me, i call my friends balling my eyes out.

seriously, breathlessly sobbing "i can't do this anymore" into the phone.

i have had so many "i have bad luck, or i am cursed, or something" days.

 

days where everything goes so wrong.

days when i am like -

what the heck is going on with my life.

i am doing the right things,

i am trying to live right.

i love Jesus.

why is all of this happening?

 

guess what.

i am still happy.

i still have this smile.

i still have a heart of joy.

 

how is this possible?

how is it possible to go through

drug addictions, loosing your husband for a year and a half to the state?

how is it possible to go through childrens severe health issues,

through eating disorders that steal your joy?

how is it possible to wake up with a smile

when you lost everything -

when you have to crash with your folks

or

when you lose a job,

when your children are acting up,

when you feel beat down and alone and scared?

 

i will tell you how.

two words...

Jesus. Christ.

i would be a mess.

i would be hopelesss.

i would be lost.

i have tried to live life without Him.

rebelliously doing my own things,

turning my back on Him.

it did not end up too well.

i was 21, mother of a 3 month old and

chaptered to the E ward

(twice in one month)

for severe postpartum depression.

i had already been through so much...

more trials to come...

and i was sick of living.

was that enough to turn me to Christ?

 

no.

it took more -

more years,

more years of partying,

more years of addiction

and eventually,

losing everything -

to realize He had been waiting for me all along.

 

He had never left -

on those nights where the pain

seemed to suck the air right out of my lungs,

when the darkness was too scary,

when i had to sleep with a light on

because i was so afraid of the dark -

He was watching,

just waiting for me to finally...

 

surrender.

 

i am nervous about publishing this post.

these words are close to my heart.

forgive me if i have offended you -

i still run a professional and beautiful business,

and i am a responsible person and mother.

 

but i feel like i need to say these things,

to share a glimmer of hope with one hurting heart out there.

 

you. are. not. alone.

oh, you may feel alone.

you may feel like you have not one person who

"gets" it.

guess what -

that one person for me was Jesus.

it only took calling out and clinging on

for the light to return to my eyes.

for my smile to return -

not the silly, fake, ingenuine smile we flash to people

to make them think we are "doing fine"...

a real smile,

 

full of joy,

wiser from pain,

 braver because of hurt.

 

is there real beauty, real joy, without scars?

without pain?

 

i can tell you this -

i smile now and i feel real joy

because i have lived real pain.

you have probably lived real pain, too.

don't feel like you have to do it alone.

 

surrender.

 

 

 

((for more on my story, to share prayer requests or to ask more about this Jesus,

you can email me at ellaryeboutique@yahoo.com

trust me when I say,

I would love to talk to you.)

 

 

 

-

 

e

:)

 

 

 

 

 

 

FAT?

Disclaimer : I want to stress that I do not think that a size 13/15 is in any way fat. Just for me, as a young 15 year old and at my height (I'm very short) it was according to the doctor chart and scales (another thing I take issue with) my weight was bordering on obese. And there is no way that is healthy. For my height/weight/BMI. :)  just a disclaimer.
**
I want to talk about something that is on my heart and has been for years.
A topic that so many women know so well.
Weight.
Feeling fat.
Struggling.
Eating disorders.
Here is my story.
Get ready for some real talk.

Me, age 5.

It's strange looking at old photos of myself at the same age as my daughters. Remembering how life was back then.

Innocent.

Care-free.

Weight? What was that?

All I knew, is that pizza, cheeseburgers and ice cream tasted good!

I had a blissful childhood.

Self hatred the farthest thing from my mind.

Me, age 13

Enter: Pre-Teen Years.

Suddenly this body was no longer okay.

 I had alot of skinny friends and I started to stare at myself in the mirror alot more.

My thighs felt huge, and they rubbed together.

My arms felt chunky.

My face was chubby and round.

I didn't like how I was developing.

I was still healthy and active, but I cared a little more about

what people thought.

Little did I know it would get alot worse before it got better.

 Me, age 15

Enter: Teenage Years.
It takes alot of guts right now for me to publish these pictures of myself.
But this is my reality -
this is the skin I lived in every day.
Size 13/15
Shopping in plus size stores
Feeling horrible about myself
Craving McDonalds, ice cream, and white bread -
sneaking and eating whole bags of Doritos before bed.
I remember telling my mom
"If only I could get down to a size 11."
Size 11 was my goal for a long time.
But I would always give up.
Exercize felt too hard.
I liked the taste of sugar and fats way too much.
I was addicted to food.
It was my best friend.

 Me, age 15

I felt so unattractive and so unfeminine,
so I decided I would not even try.
I wore alot of big, baggy sweatshirts.
I had a size 2-X Adidas coat
I wore it all the time...
hid in it.
I went to a church full of athletic girls and guys.
I got made fun of alot.
Alot.
I've forgiven and tried to forget
but the words still sting when they ring in my ears.
Kids can be so mean.
Guys can be so cruel to a fat girl.

Me, age 16

I decided to do something about it.
I lost over 70 pounds in less than 7 months.
Here is what I did.
1. No snacks.
2. Only ate when my stomach growled
( my friends can attest to this. I literally only ate when my stomach growled.)
3. When I did eat it was smoothies and baked potatos with broccoli
4. No meat
5. When I reached a goal I rewarded myself with a bowl of orange sherbert.
Those were my only "Cheat" days, every 5 pounds or so.
6. I rollerbladed miles a day.

I went from a size 13/15 to a size 1.
Suddenly the same guys who used to make fun of me
were asking for my phone number,
calling me pretty,
and trying to hold my hand.
I loved the male attention.
I wanted more of it.
I loved my friends telling me how beautiful I was.
It fed my ego and it made me feel important.
I used to get told I looked like Britney Spears alot.
I took that as a compliment.
I wanted more.
More attention, more eyes on me.
It became all consuming.

Eventually I was down to one meal a day
if I didn't do my 1,000 sit ups or exercize for the day
my punishment was no meal, at all.

My hair fell out in clumps.
My period stopped coming.
I saw stars and lost my balance several times a day.
I ran until I tasted blood in my mouth.
I weighed myself 20 or more times a day.
I looked down on fat people.
I mean, come on.
If I could do this, why couldn't they?
The obsession took over.
My friends told me all I ever talked about was weight.
It was annoying, they said.
Oh well.
(Out of the heart, the mouth speaks.)
and the only thing in my heart was myself, and my weight.

When I went to college I started binging and purging, every day.
I hid it pretty well, I thought - but some friends found out.
They confronted me.
You need help, they would say.
I would nod and then go sneak a gallon or two of ice cream.

What has changed?
What is different now?

To be honest, a lot changed for me when I met my husband.
He is constantly reminding me he does not like skin and bones.
He makes me feel so good about my body.
I've gone up and down in my weight even since being with Chad,
and he always makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

When I told Chad about my weight "issues"
showed him old "fat" pictures,
we had a good laugh.
Then we went out for cheeseburgers.
He has changed me.

I guess having babies and living life has changed me too.
Striving for balance.
I don't have time to obsess over my body the way I used to -
I am too busy.
I will never again waste a day feeling ugly.
I am not at my goal weight.
Sure I wish I was thinner and more fit.
But I am happy.
I'm happy with myself.
These arms?
They have held and cradled sick babies many late nights.
These legs?
They have taken me across the globe.
This stomach?
It has held, nourished and protected two precious girls.

I'm okay with my stretch marks.
I'm thankful for my body.
I love the Lord for giving me peace over this issue in my life.

I'll teach my girls what I have learned from my weight issues,
try to make them feel beautiful and special.
I'll do my best.

I'll keep you updated.
 ;)
e