Saturday, May 26, 2012

FAT?


Disclaimer : I want to stress that I do not think that a size 13/15 is in any way fat. Just for me, as a young 15 year old and at my height (I'm very short) it was according to the doctor chart and scales (another thing I take issue with) my weight was bordering on obese. And there is no way that is healthy. For my height/weight/BMI. :)  just a disclaimer.
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I want to talk about something that is on my heart and has been for years.
A topic that so many women know so well.
Weight.
Feeling fat.
Struggling.
Eating disorders.
Here is my story.
Get ready for some real talk.

Me, age 5.

It's strange looking at old photos of myself at the same age as my daughters. Remembering how life was back then.
Innocent.
Care-free.
Weight? What was that?
All I knew, is that pizza, cheeseburgers and ice cream tasted good!
I had a blissful childhood.
Self hatred the farthest thing from my mind.


Me, age 13
Enter: Pre-Teen Years.

Suddenly this body was no longer okay.
 I had alot of skinny friends and I started to stare at myself in the mirror alot more.
My thighs felt huge, and they rubbed together.
My arms felt chunky.
My face was chubby and round.
I didn't like how I was developing.
I was still healthy and active, but I cared a little more about
what people thought.

Little did I know it would get alot worse before it got better.


 Me, age 15

Enter: Teenage Years.
It takes alot of guts right now for me to publish these pictures of myself.
But this is my reality -
this is the skin I lived in every day.
Size 13/15
Shopping in plus size stores
Feeling horrible about myself
Craving McDonalds, ice cream, and white bread -
sneaking and eating whole bags of Doritos before bed.
I remember telling my mom
"If only I could get down to a size 11."
Size 11 was my goal for a long time.
But I would always give up.
Exercize felt too hard.
I liked the taste of sugar and fats way too much.
I was addicted to food.
It was my best friend.

 Me, age 15

I felt so unattractive and so unfeminine,
so I decided I would not even try.
I wore alot of big, baggy sweatshirts.
I had a size 2-X Adidas coat
I wore it all the time...
hid in it.
I went to a church full of athletic girls and guys.
I got made fun of alot.
Alot.
I've forgiven and tried to forget
but the words still sting when they ring in my ears.
Kids can be so mean.
Guys can be so cruel to a fat girl.


Me, age 16

I decided to do something about it.
I lost over 70 pounds in less than 7 months.
Here is what I did.
1. No snacks.
2. Only ate when my stomach growled
( my friends can attest to this. I literally only ate when my stomach growled.)
3. When I did eat it was smoothies and baked potatos with broccoli
4. No meat
5. When I reached a goal I rewarded myself with a bowl of orange sherbert.
Those were my only "Cheat" days, every 5 pounds or so.
6. I rollerbladed miles a day.

I went from a size 13/15 to a size 1.
Suddenly the same guys who used to make fun of me
were asking for my phone number,
calling me pretty,
and trying to hold my hand.
I loved the male attention.
I wanted more of it.
I loved my friends telling me how beautiful I was.
It fed my ego and it made me feel important.
I used to get told I looked like Britney Spears alot.
I took that as a compliment.
I wanted more.
More attention, more eyes on me.
It became all consuming.


Eventually I was down to one meal a day
if I didn't do my 1,000 sit ups or exercize for the day
my punishment was no meal, at all.

My hair fell out in clumps.
My period stopped coming.
I saw stars and lost my balance several times a day.
I ran until I tasted blood in my mouth.
I weighed myself 20 or more times a day.
I looked down on fat people.
I mean, come on.
If I could do this, why couldn't they?
The obsession took over.
My friends told me all I ever talked about was weight.
It was annoying, they said.
Oh well.
(Out of the heart, the mouth speaks.)
and the only thing in my heart was myself, and my weight.

When I went to college I started binging and purging, every day.
I hid it pretty well, I thought - but some friends found out.
They confronted me.
You need help, they would say.
I would nod and then go sneak a gallon or two of ice cream.

What has changed?
What is different now?

To be honest, a lot changed for me when I met my husband.
He is constantly reminding me he does not like skin and bones.
He makes me feel so good about my body.
I've gone up and down in my weight even since being with Chad,
and he always makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

When I told Chad about my weight "issues"
showed him old "fat" pictures,
we had a good laugh.
Then we went out for cheeseburgers.
He has changed me.


I guess having babies and living life has changed me too.
Striving for balance.
I don't have time to obsess over my body the way I used to -
I am too busy.
I will never again waste a day feeling ugly.
I am not at my goal weight.
Sure I wish I was thinner and more fit.
But I am happy.
I'm happy with myself.
These arms?
They have held and cradled sick babies many late nights.
These legs?
They have taken me across the globe.
This stomach?
It has held, nourished and protected two precious girls.

I'm okay with my stretch marks.
I'm thankful for my body.
I love the Lord for giving me peace over this issue in my life.

I'll teach my girls what I have learned from my weight issues,
try to make them feel beautiful and special.
I'll do my best.

I'll keep you updated.
 ;)
e

9 comments:

  1. Your post made me cry. Thanks so much for sharing and trying to be better for your children. I'm sorry for your struggles. Following you from Wiegand hop!

    Love for you to follow back!
    http://naptimeshopper.blogspot.com

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  2. Emily, when I look at your photos I don't see fat in any of them. In fact I see a very lovely young girl. I'm sorry people haven't always told you that. Remember as you're bringing up those beautiful girls that sometimes the mirror and teenage boys lie.

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    1. you are so sweet Rogene! Thank you for those kind words. I guess when your doctor tells you at 15 that you need to lose weight for your health you feel like maybe the mirror and the boys were really telling the truth ;)

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  3. girl, you are so beautiful and love seeing what God has done in your life! it's amazing! i love you!

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    1. ilene...i love you! thank you for being there for me at moody, when you maybe did not even know how much i really did need you friend.

      -Em

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  4. This is so beautifully written. I know that kids can be mean but we are better than the hate that some teach. You are beautiful!,

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  5. What a beautiful post. I am so thankful God has carried you through. You have always been such an incredibly gorgeous girl, inside AND out. Love you.

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    1. i love you so much, friend. your friendship has always been a treasure to me!

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