Sunday, August 19, 2012

do i disappoint you?

((sometimes i wish i could be less vunerable...but it is just not me.
who i am...
this is me,
in all my real,
honest and most truthful thoughts.))

disappointed.

this is a trigger word for me.
as a child, i did everything i could to NOT hear these words,
everything i could to NOT disappoint anyone around me.
i tried to be the "image of perfection" -
everything had to be above and beyond, better than the rest.
oh yes, i worked at it.
my schoolwork.
my friendships.
my hair.
my Bible memorization.
my interactions with others...
everything was seeking for, striving for perfection.
and i did.
excel, i mean.
i don't think its prideful or boasting to say it.
its the truth.
i worked hard.
i got great grades.
i memorized my Awana Bible verses with honors.
in church plays, i would memorize everyone elses lines as well as my own,
just in case they needed help with lines during the play.
i played violin, piano, and i sang in four choirs.
i always had a job from the age of 14 on.
i went to the juvenile detention center, to counsel girls in need.
i worked hard to please.
i think even my struggle with eating disorders and body image came from the deeper need to not be viewed as a disappointment, even in my looks.

why did i do all of this? was it to please God? was it to please my Savior?
i don't honestly know.
i can't really say.
i am not sure if i did this to please Jesus...
or because i wanted people to like me, because i wanted my parents to be proud.
i know i loved Jesus...
but i dont know if that love is what motivated me to pursue perfection.

i stopped caring at the age of 19, and some rough years came because of it.
but that word...
disappoint...
its a trigger word for me.
i had a great job once, was making good money, and i walked out of my job one day.
why?
i had a meeting with my manager.
she said she was disappointed in the way i handled something.
i could not take that word.
i walked out of my work, quit my job.
i couldn't look her in the face...
my manager.
i had disappointed her.
there was no going back.
i wonder now if she would have used a different descriptive word
if i would have kept that job.
disappoint.
i dont want to be a disappointment.
so i work.
i work hard.
i work hard to keep it all together.
i work hard to keep a smile on this face.
i work hard to keep my babies happy.
i work hard to keep my husband happy.
i work hard to keep my mom happy and my dad happy.
i work hard to keep my friends happy.
i work hard to keep myself together.

why, i wonder?
subconciously, i STILL dont want to disappoint.
who is it i am striving to please?
all these years later, i still wonder this.
is it the perfectionist in me?
the people pleaser in me?
the way i was raised?
the way i am wired?
i am not sure.

all i know is,
God is the only one who really matters.
his opinion of me is the only opinion that counts.
now, to move that knowledge from my head to my heart.
maybe someday.
maybe.

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