Friday, July 12, 2013

On Turning 28.



I've always been a very nostalgic person.
I hold on to memories and I've always kept scrapbooks, journals, blogs - 
some way of preserving my life so that I can look back and remember.
And since the beginning, I've had big dreams for my life... big thoughts.
Yesterday I spent some time at my parents home going through some of my 
old books and clothing, cleaning and organizing (read: THROWING AWAY!)
and I came across my journal from 2002-2004. It is covered in mildew and 
some of the writing and pictures are no longer readable....but I sat down and paged
through it, it was like going through my 16 year old mind.

10, 11 years ago...has so much time really passed since I
wrote those words? I was confused at times, worried at times about what people thought about me, 
but most of all, I wondered...what my future held, what God had for me.
I was tired of being the good girl.....
I can see now that I was wearing thin, 
sick of always being the one others held in such high esteem.
I was slowly cracking under the pressure...
it felt like such a burden to bear.
In this journal...
Lots of prayers written out, lots of cries to God...lots of 
analyzing the boys in my life...lots of crying over my weight...
lots of hopes and dreams packed into an 8.5 x 11 book.

As I sat there with this book of my dreams in front of me, 
I read the words over and over on the pages...
"I want to do big things with my life"
"I don't want to waste my life"
"I don't want to grow up"
and 
"I don't ever want to be one of those moms who wears clothes from Walmart."
(HEY, 16 year old self:  Walmart has some good deals.GAP won't always be 
in your budget!)

I'm turning 28 next month, and while I know that's not old, 
I am approaching the milestone of 30.
I have an amazing, beautiful husband,
I have two precious, smart daughters...
and yet my mind still echos those same thoughts...
"I don't want to waste my life."

I wish I could go back in time and tell that girl a few things.
She spent so much time hating her body - 
I would tell her that I think she was actually gorgeous.
She spent so much time focused on worries-
I would tell her it would all work out.

Hey, 16 year old girl...
you will struggle. Life will be a little hard these next several years.
But you will conquer addictions.
And
You will face fears.
You will turn from God and then realize life is much better with Him in it.
And that He was waiting for you all those years.
You will become independent.
You will become a strong, confident woman.
You will have regrets, you will sin.
But you will wake the next morning...and the sun will still be shining.
You will realize that even when the world crashes around you at your feet, 
it's possible to start over, 
it's possible to begin again.
You aren't wasting your life.
You are creating a beautiful life, 
one sweet, slow, grace filled day at a time.




- e

3 comments:

  1. You just gave me chills. I love you so much and am so lucky to know you dear friend. You will always hold a special place in my heart. Come see us soon and let's have heart to hearts and rejoice in the beautiful lives we grew up to have.

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