I'm having a serious case of mommy guilt this morning.
I don't usually "get" mommy guilt. As a stay at home mom running my own business I don't have time to feel guilty about the things I should be doing for my kids. Until today.
Today is the start of something new for my business and my family.
I hired a babysitter.
My oldest daughter is away at school from 7:15 to 2:05 every day, but Rielynn is only 2 and she is my day-time companion. I love spending time with her...she is sweet, loving, cuddly, adorable and fun. I never get any work done.
With so many orders coming in every day and my first craft fair at the end of the month, I have to get some really solid work in every single day. I also have some big wedding orders coming in, where I'm making full bouquets and flower girl baskets, hair accessories...I love these big orders but they take a few days to fill, while the other orders from my shop are piling up.
I put a shout out on my personal Facebook page letting my friends know I was looking for a sitter, and I got several responses. Over the weekend I actually decided I didn't need a babysitter at all and told all of them I had decided to make it work. Then I took a good look at my business and my goals and realized - I have to get a sitter. I'm doing this for my family. I need to work. I need help. I can't do it all on my own.
I chose a wonderful mommy of two little ones who I've known my entire life - and she lives just a few blocks away which had a huge deciding factor for me. Shes going to watch my littlest 2-3 days a week. I'll pick her up around 2, go and get Elle from school. This will give me the much needed time I need to work uninterrupted for hours at a time which is currently unheard of around here.
The doubts creep in.
Why would I get a sitter for my daughter when the whole reason I started this business was so that I could stay home with my kids?
Isn't this defeating the purpose?
Whats the point?
"My daughter shouldn't have to be away from her mom. Even for a few hours a week."
I look at her big chocolate brown eyes and feel like she is going to resent me, hate me for leaving her.
Even though she will be having fun and playing, and even though I trust my sitter - I still feel the guilt.
I'm not the only mom who has felt mommy guilt for one reason or another.
Most moms get it sometime in their life, and it can be crippling.
Heres a great quote I found about guilt -
Satan loves this.
The Bible even calls him "The Accuser." He wants to incapacitate us in any way possible. And with many of us, guilt is an extremely effective tool.
It makes us focus on ourselves and our frailties, instead of on Christ and His provision. Guilt can be a paralyzing emotion. - Julie Coleman, Crosswalk.com
In the end, I have realized that grabbing a moment here, a moment there, to fit my work in throughout the day - it just isn't working for us. My children deserve all of my attention. Not bits and pieces of it.
By hiring a sitter I'll be able to get more work done. Then when my girls are home I can put away the fabric, the glue gun, the sewing needle. I can focus on my girls and not my work. I can enjoy taking them for bike rides and cuddling on the couch without the thoughts in the back of my mind "I should be doing this right now. I should be doing that right now."
I am not going to let this guilt paralyze me anymore.
In order to provide for my girls, grow my business and be the best mom I can be,
this is what needs to happen right now.
And I'm okay with that.