Monday, September 24, 2012

why i cry.

i did not cry for a few years.
barely shed a tear.
my life was falling apart around me,
but i could not cry.
i remember thinking countless times -
"why can't i cry?
i should be crying about this"
when situations were so hopeless,
nothing could coax a tear.
sometimes i wanted to cry -
the release, the feeling you get after a good sob.
i would try to cry,
but it was useless.
i was numb.
now, i cry.
its not that i am an overly emotional person,
but the simplest worship music line,
the shortest verse in the Bible,
the way the light falls on my daughters hair as she curls up next to me on the couch.
seeing a friend when i haven't seen her in awhile.
sharing bits of my life story with a stranger.
reflecting on the past few years.
i am so full of "good tears" now,
i am so full of gratitude for this life.
i am so thankful for my 2nd, 3rd and 4th chances.
i am so blessed by my family, who has never given up on me.
i am so blessed by many friends who love me so much.
i am so blessed by the love of a husband who wants to be a godly husband and daddy,
who repents of sin daily,
who is just like me right now-
we cry with gratitude over God's goodness together on a weekly basis.
so, now i cry.
because when you realize how precious your life is,
how dear your Savior is,
that he chose you...
that he loves you,
that life is worth living...
how can you not?
this weekend i was in indy for an amazing conference called True Woman 12.
i'll be writing more blog posts about what i learned,
about what i did.
first i need to spend some time reflecting,
some time processing.
what i do know is that God CHOSE to save me from my sin,
that God WANTS to use my story.
i have been inspired by testimonies,
 by other women who have been through hard things
and use those words to minister to and encourage other women.
so thats what i am going to be doing.
i feel 100 percent called to this.
this is what God wants me to do.
to be bold, to speak the hardest words, to relive the darkest days,
and to share how God found me again,
and brought me back to the light.
 i want everyone to know -
you are NOT too lost.
it is NOT too late for you.
if you are reading this, there is hope for your heart and
truth for your life.
don't give up,
or ever feel like you have sinned too much or wandered too far
to look back.
nothing else will satisfy your heart.

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